So life has been difficult to me this year, unfortunately.

Most importantly, I grew quite close to a very good friend of mine and it seems now, after all the time and effort I put in to pull us closer, she has grown bored of me or just doesn’t like me, even as a friend. I told her I’ll never give up on her and I refuse to do so, but its put me in a very depressed mood for the last 2-3 months. We rarely talk anymore and when we do, its me trying to get an explanation out of her, why shes treating me like this. I don’t get one then I waste my week feeling like crap until I finally get to talk to her again. 

Really not good for my feelings or my mood. I’m finding things very difficult right now and it seems nothing I do is improving it. I’m trying my best as she is very special to me, but I just can’t get through to her and I still don’t know why she is being this way.

Next problem, these dreams I have when I move slowly and feel weak are insanely accurate. I googled them and they mean I feel like i’m going nowhere in life. Yup, accurate. 

I’ve been working on my own projects and stuff for a year now and I still make no money at all. It seems every time I try do something, I end up waiting for someone or something else and it never happens. I’m trying all I can to earn even $1 from what I like doing but it seems life doesn’t want me to.

In this case, money does bring happiness. considering I dont make enough to live. I lost weight because I can’t buy nice food, I can’t buy enough food. I sit at home all day because I can’t afford to travel anywhere and I can’t afford to do anything. 

and why am I writing all this? I have no idea. Nobody notices how depressed I am because nobody sees me, since I can’t afford to do the things they want to do. Not to mention my friends just don’t ask me to do things, the ones that do live too far (remember, can’t afford travel).

I don’t want attention, I just want to share my thoughts because I don’t have a friend for that purpose.

I’ve shrugged off depressed feelings, sad feelings and bad things my whole life. I always appear happy, but I can’t say I am while all this is going on. The only girl who cared about me seems to hate talking to me now and won’t explain why. I can’t have any fun because I can’t even afford to live properly.

At least I can be happy knowing others are.